100     Ha ha ha hee hee ha ha hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha

Thats how I feel right now.

You know that feeling when you’re not sure of the correct response?

I find this title appropriate

HA HA HA HEE HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA HA

As you are reading this that’s what I’m screaming

As I run around in circles feeling I've accomplished something great.

That brief feeling of contentment I must find a way to prolong.

That small fear in the back of my mind that I’ve wrote some of my worst material ever today

And that hope I may have wrote some of my best

Let it rest

For now and see if it ferments

Take it as you will

13 hours

100 shots to the head

As I rest

In a happy word drunk state

Haha

Hee hee

ha

99     Thoughts on Edinburgh

I love the place. I love the people. I have many memories, but…

That girl.

The one that I gave a flyer to, her and her friend

We seemed to get on

We seemed to have that mutual attraction

The only audience member to buy me a drink half way through my set

You sat it down on a chair near the front

Thank you.

I owe you a drink.

We were meant to have one after the gig

But some lady said she wanted to give me paid work

So I arranged to meet you shortly

Turns out she didn’t want to hire me

She wanted to get naughty

But I shunned her off to find you

Hoping we could get that drink but surely...

You were nowhere to be found.

I don’t know your name

I don’t have your number or know where you live

Maybe I’m getting it wrong and our signals were mixed but…

Well…

I guess I’ll never know

Either way, I thought this needed to be wrote

Partly as my 99^th poem today

Partly as a part of hope

98     If I were president, obama would be a shit mc

See I could run America.

Shit I could run the world if I had the chance

Meanwhile

How many opportunities has obama had to rock the mic?

FUCKING LOADS!

I bet if he did try he’d be one of those overly basic rappers

The sort that rely on ‘swagga’ and have no technical ability

If you’re reading this obama

I’d love to give you the chance to prove me wrong

I wouldn’t normally battle beginners

But you being ‘president’ an all

I’ll give you a chance.

Come over here we can do it on don’t flop

You’re so fucked

Do you know how many things rhyme with president?

Hesitant, elephant, irrelevant

It’s over.

Bodybag

97   If you ask me to play gangham style, I’ll feed you to the pigs

I’ll do it, don’t test me

I know what you’re thinking

One of two things

One: pigs don’t eat people

Well you clearly haven’t seen snatch.

Two: this guy doesn’t have pigs

No, you’re right, I don’t have pigs.

But I do live in a place called milking nook

Cattle everywhere.

I could have you ate at about 8 different farms

Go on…

Ask me….

See what fucking happens

96

     Bee sheep bang bang tramp sandwich

Alright I’m on this

I’ve still got that fucking bee in my bonnet

I’m feeling a bit of bee sheep bang bang tramp sandwich

I’d ready to rock it.

I ducked out to find the wayward sheep she made it to latitude

She was spray painted pink and had acquired a bad attitude.

Kept on my journey picked up baaaaaabra

Got on the tube picked up the tramp offered her back to mine

I’m a charmer.

We couldn’t of headed home any faster

After

No more than 5 seconds

Began the palava.

The tramp climbed on top of me with baaabra in her hand

The wayward sheep was bleeting

She mounted the back of the tramp

And for about 4 hours we banged and we banged

There was pink wool everywhere

I could have knitted several jackets for my nan

After that

We all collapsed on the couch

As I fell to the ground

The bee slipped out of my mouth

‘I DIDN’T NEED THAT!’ it screamed

Flew up to the window and out

Finally lost that buzzing sound.

I’d advise if you get the chance and think you can manage

Hook yourself up with a bee sheep bang bang trap sandwich

95     I’m a tramp. Why did you eat me?

I knew I shouldn’t have invited you back to mine

I just thought I’d offer

And you looked even more stunning after a shower and wash up

To be fair

I don’t see why you’re acting surprised

Judging by the sounds you were made you had a good time

And I fed you

Granted my cooking isn’t much

But tell me that chorizo and pepper pizza wasn’t hench as fuck!

Still if you're really asking why

honestly I dont know

I just got caught in the moment

I've always been told

To go with flow

94     Fell in love on the tube again. what is it about tramps?

I feel like I’m in her house

She seems to have grown comfortable with the presence of strangers

An though she must carry the weight of the world on her shoulders

Her face implies she’s happy to shrug it off

I could invite her back to mine

Maybe one day I will

But believe it or not… She looks happier than I feel I could make her

93     Go-bot rape

It was a brutal scene

Sparks everywhere

The noise of grinding metal filled the factory like never before

Loose nuts scattered across the floor

Piles of broken circuit boards in a pile near the door

They have no human emotion

So the word ‘rape’ paints an unnecessarily dark picture

But you know..

They seemed to have a great time.

Maybe robots need love to

And they'll take if it’s not given

On that note you probably should be careful

It’ll be good for you to listen

Don’t wear anything too shiney

Nothing metalic in vision

Or you might wind up a victim

92     Inflatable sheep

 

He asked me about inflatable sheep

I didn’t know what to say

He was 9 years old ‘I know you cant eat them’ he said ‘are they just for play?’

‘yes’ I replied, ‘but you have enough toys already and you may think it a strange game’

‘I don’t care’ he replied ‘ I just want one, I’ve even thought of a name’

Now you see my dilemma

Surely to buy an inflatable sheep for a 9 year old is wrong

Plus it’s out of line that he should get one when I haven’t got one

Yes I know I shouldn’t have done what I did and you’re gonna think that’s cringe

But I asked him ‘what would you call it?’

He said ‘Baaaaaaaaabra’

I couldn’t help it.

I went an got him the dam thing

91

     77 Sundays in heaven son

Yeah that’s what I asked for son

But more because I like the way it sounds.

Cant I get at least a couple bits of cheese cake?

Maybe some chocolate brownies and ice cream?

Come on now son

Sundays are heavy but 77?

That’s a lot you know.

How about 77 deserts?

Sort that out for me yeah son?

Trust god’s gonna like me.

I’ll hook you up when I’m in there

90     So I banged it

If you say you wouldn’t have done the same

I don’t believe you

We’re only human you know

And yes my boys do come first

I don’t wanna mug my mates off

But come on man

Who could resist?

You saw with your own eyes

Absolutely beautiful.

Open goal

89     His coffin was a sphere of jelly

Thats what he would have wanted

He always liked a good wobble at parties

Instead of throwing roses lets give him cake.

Let us wear party hats and pop party poppers when they lower him in

It’s the last time you’ll see him

Dont make it a sad time

88    I’m stopping now

 

I’ve had enough.

I genuinely think I might explode.

That’s 88 fuckin poems still another 12 to go

And you know what the sad thing is?

I’m pretty sure at least 88 of these are complete shit.

Know what would have been nice today?

Leaving this room

And not have the tapping of keys be the only tune that I listen to

All. FUCKING. DAY

I’m surprised I’m still sane

I’m probably not to be fair

I don’t really deserve to make that claim.

I wonder how many rhyme schemes I’ve repeated?

How many sections will I look back on to get deleted?

How many spelling mistakes have I made since I started?

How much money has been raised to help those young artists?

Now that is pretty cool actually

Thanks for the support all, good going

In a few years maybe they’ll join us

They can write 100 poems

87     Why did everyone like Linkin park

 

Well they were alright weren’t they.

Pretty refreshing compared to a lot of the shit that’s came out in the last few decades

Come on

Everything’s liked by someone.

That intense infusion of electronic rock and rap seemed quite appealing to many

And before anyone tells me

I’ve got my details wrong

Bollocks off.

Cheers.

Why does anyone like any music?

Why does anyone choose to write 100 poems in a day?

'Why' is such a broad question.

And unless you are searching for scientific fact

The answer you get will always be personal opinion

So...

‘why did everyone like linkin park?’

Maybe it was because fish have gills

86    Your mum makes a mean sandwich

I’ve never had a sandwich better

Than the one made by your mum rebecca

Some mums can cook the meat too long

It ends up tough as leather

But your mum… Shes masterfull

It all works so well together

each limb I sever

Couldn’t be fresher

BLT with no bacon...

Yes

B stands for becca

85     I’m a bee, why did you eat me

Thought you were smart didn’t you dick head

Like some slick god of pain

What twat eats a bee?

I got news for you mate

I’m a fucking queen in here

I got little bees on their way

You don’t stand a chance

You’ll be seeing black and yellow like that annoying yank tune

Whoever the fuck sings it

Cant say I'm a fan

They're not even a bee.

Oh, and if you piss me off

I’ll sting your heart

Check mate.

You’re my bitch

84. Your face looks prettier in a jar

So so pretty

I’ll give you a lot of credit

But lets not forget the quality of the jar

It’s a good jar

I like the way it restricts your talking

Beautiful.

Plus

You’re always saying how you cant control your hair

Look at it now

Pretty as a picture all in perfect place.

You can frown if you want

I’ll just paint on a smile

83.       Kurt cobain didn’t mean it

It was a song you twats

He didn’t really want you to rape him.

Well if he did I’m sure he wasent talking to you

Fucks sake man

You’ve gone too far

Fuck were you thinking.

If you’re gonna take a song so literally why don’t you punch Britney spears

Cock

82.       The minuets run past my face like piss running into my sock

She’s figured me out…

She must know I lied

Otherwise why

Would she be staring at me so intensely.

She says nothing

Plays the role of that silent type

Sit’s next to me

Touches my hand gently

I didn’t know what to do so I attempted to smile

She remained expressionless

Shit

Is there a sign I’m meant to see?

Then it finally clicks after a pretty long while

I’ve pissed myself

My socks full and my bladders empty

She can smell me

81.       I blagged it mate

I have no idea how I did it

I feel lucky to be alive

I swear I was so on edge I nearly cried

I didn’t enjoy doing it

but I felt I had to lie

I could see something crazy brewing in her wide eyes

As she stood up infront of me

My arms were tense down by my sides

She said ‘does my bum look big in this’

I said ‘na babe you look fine’

80.       Did she just shit herself

I think she…

I think she just shit herself.

Did you hear that sound?

You know

It sounded like…

When you scrape food from a plate to the bin.

But that smell….

That’s definitely not food...

She just started to walk a bit funny as well.

She’s got that slow one step at a time waddle going on.

Yeah…

I’m pretty sure she just shit herself

79.       Little chef

I met her in little chef.

Our fingers brushed as she passed me the menue

When she gave me my breakfast I knew she liked me

As the menue said 2 sausages and she’d given me 3

I decided I had to make a move.

I went to pay the bill as she stood at the till

I casually said ‘hey, thanks for the extra sausage’

To which she replied ‘what?...’

So I explained

It was great I had no complaints

And that I noticed I was only meant to get two sausages on my plate

She said ‘oh.. ok.....

That’s another pound then please mate’

78.       Ponderings on the decline of a happy shopper

Well the boy on the bag is smiling pretty widely

Course he is, I keep giving him money

Retail therapy. We love it

If only I'd known how expensive things would become

I could have got all this stuff years ago!

Guess I can still shop happily

But my wallet is a miserable barstard these days

77.       Angry daves mum

I only met her once, and I don’t feel I did anything to piss her off

So I’ll assume she’s just always angry

But I cant understand why that is

Her son dave seems to be pretty happy.

When I’d knock round to see him she’d glare at me viciously

And shout at dave to come down

I still keep in touch with dave to this day

But I wont go to his mums house

76.       Prior preparation prevents piss poor performance

Prior preparation prevents piss poor performance

So put the work in to prove you’re professional

Previous personalities have prevailed.

Provide piece of mind and present it as protection

Please play peacefully

Plan prevalence

Pick your path preciously

75.       Round our way

Round our way, not many faces change

Pretty much the whole place has been the same since day

We got the new generations of youths that wanna play

And try to make a raise shotting grade or chasing fame

Half the independent shops have closed down

Since tesco moved the little guys cant compete on their home ground

And a lot less police stroll around

So a lot of peeps treat the streets as their own now

This is a nice area it’s gets a lot rougher

I still like to go for a wander in summer

But compared to what it was 10 years ago it’s clearly slipped under

Give it another 10... I wonder

74.       Bits and pieces

It’s always bits and pieces

What you been up to? Bits and pieces

What you doing at the weekend? Bits and pieces

Next week? Bits and pieces

What happened to conversation

I swear sometimes it’s like

We wanna be social

But we cant be bothered to talk.

We want company we can be around with no effort at all.

Yeah sometimes I wanna slip in the background

But sometimes I wanna find something to chat about

So come on

Tell me something please I need this

get the fuck out of here with your bit’s and pieces

73.       Stress of 100 poems

What you know about stress?

What you know about agreeing to write 100 poems and feeling dead after 30?

Well… talk about a process

I’m hoping I’ve wrote the odd gem here and there but I’m sure a lot make no sense.

I can imagen Mark and Tim right now,

Bouncing of the walls tryna keep on it

Last time I checked, Tim was on my heals an Mark… Well it looked tough if I’m honest!

But it’s cool, it’s just one day, just gotta ‘do the fucking thing’

I also see we’ve raised £300 for charity so far. I count that as a win

But I am fried

Don’t get it twisted

I could go deep into this but,

I got 27 more to write

And I’m looking to get finished

72.       Council estate agent

He was like 007 but they called him 007b

Because he lived the in the upstairs flat.

He held the estate down when trouble came around

He was the smooth type who always knew how to act.

He drank shaken snakebite straight out of a steller can

Pick of the single mums he had.

When not protecting the the street you could hear his tv

Playing episodes of shameless back to back

71.       And that’s when I touched her bum

She said objectifying women is wrong

I agreed.

She said women are still victimized in society

I agreed.

She said women are equal to men

I agreed.

Then she said treat me like an object and victimize me...

I agreed to.

After that night we didn’t cross paths for a while

I bumped into her and a group of ladies at a feminist convention going wild

And that’s when I touched her bum.

She reminded me women are equal to men

As she knocked me the fuck out.

And for the sake of equality, when I came back around

I stood up

And knocked her the fuck out

70.       Spectacular sophie

She was pretty good

Some say spectacular was a bold statement

But I’d say she could live up to it on a good day.

I once watched her use her fingernails to rip a guys lip off

He thought she was flirting

Deluded lipless twat.

He shouldn’t have called her less than spectacular

69.       Decidedly undecided

I’m positive I don’t have opinion

We can do whatever you like

The only one condition

Is you’re the one to decide

68.       The anonymous iguana

He lured me over to the open window where he hid in the shadows

‘whats your name?’ I asked

‘call me iggy’ he replied

I saw no reason why he'd need to hide his identity

‘so iggy, why are you here?’ I asked

He was silent for a few seconds then replied

‘if I told you I’d have to kill you’

Feeling pretty confident that no shady iguana could take me on I said

‘give it a try you lizard fuck’.

Next thing I know I awoke on the floor in a daze

There was a cluster of dead flies next to me

As I looked closer I realised

Iggy had used the fly corpses to write me a message.

It read

‘that was a warning. I’ll be back for these flies’

I now live in fear every day

67.       I wish I hadnt eaten that bee

It seemed like a good idea at the time

Turned out to be a pretty bad move

I really cant remember why

When it stung me I was in a horrible mood

I wanted it to pay the price

And though ‘whats the cruellest thing I can do?

I know, I’ll eat the little bastard alive’

However it turns out I’m a fool

As when I ate him he survived

Just should have killed the little dude

Now he’s turned my chest into a hive

I can hear buzzing from morning to noon

66.       Paedophile

Paedophile was his name.

At first I thought his parents were just being cruel

Every time a adult asked his name

They quickly got flustered and away they moved.

You’d think he’d consider getting it  changed

As he got older and left school

When your first impression is ‘hi, paedophile is my name’

There’s only so many jobs you can do

65.       Sex in the snow

I have never seen her nipples so big and my dick so small

That’s the result of sex in the snow

Parts were hard as they should be

But mainly because they’d been froze.

We made an odd shaped snow angel

Then quickly got back in our clothes

I walked past our shapes the next day

There’s a snowman winking. With a condom on his nose

64.       The internet is broken

Is it?? Please say it is

Any excuse to escape this is my 64^th poem today I’ve still gotta find a way to do another 36

Come on BT your always cocking things up

My service has always been shit

Oh today you’re on point. Well done

What great timing to get it fixed

63.       If winter should utter unspeakable things

If winter should utter unspeakable things

It would do so in the coldest tone

Deliver words on a frosty breeze

Cover beauty like snow.

Cause waves of hard rain to fall

In hope the heavy nature of whats spoken won’t float

Mislead you with a bit of sun, false sense of security

In an attempt for you to suffer the blow your coat

62.       Fred flintstone’s a bad man

BLOOD!

MAN DRIVES CAR WITH NO SHOES BLOOD!

BARE FEET ON THE ROAD BLUD!

MOVES HIS FAM AROUND BEDROCK WITH HIS FEET AND DRAWS NO BLOOD!

I KNOW BLOOD!

Mans a bad man out her

61.       Butt plugs and why I love them

Such practical little things

Beneficial to shy she males and incontinent dolphins.

Unfortunately, there is no butt plug retailer that caters for dolphins.

The she male on the other hand had no excuse

I’m bet money she owns one.

Ahh butt plugs

There was never a better gift for your secret santa

60.       Sharted

‘Sharted!’ shouted the shy shemale

As she shat in her skirt.

She should have used the facilities

Now her shrivelled shlong is slathered in dirt.

‘Surely this shit shouldn’t spray’

She said sobbing, her sphincter hurt.

She slowly sat her soggy bum down

Seems the surgeon showed shabby work.

59.       Subliminal influence

Many don’t believe subliminal influence is possible

Well, we’re going to test it right now.

Open your mind to me for a second as you read this

Get relaxed maybe have a lie down.

Now the standard of what you know good writing to be

I will scrape from your brain and throw out.

Now read every single one of these poems I’ve wrote

If it worked each one of them deserves a 'wow'.

Now don’t stand up to fast, take it steady

If you think this one is good

Subliminal influece is working already

58.       The inconsistencies of Bilbo baggins

Bilbo’s a popular well known guy, I’m not gonna talk about that ring.

I’ll tell you something you don’t know, way before frodo

Bilbo used to play chess against himself in the mirror and grin.

He’d get all defensive never let his

Queen, rook, knight, pawn or bishop on either side capture a king.

He played again and again and unless he had a friend

He’d tied before he could begin.

He often lost

It was very rare of him to win