97   If you ask me to play gangham style, I’ll feed you to the pigs

I’ll do it, don’t test me

I know what you’re thinking

One of two things

One: pigs don’t eat people

Well you clearly haven’t seen snatch.

Two: this guy doesn’t have pigs

No, you’re right, I don’t have pigs.

But I do live in a place called milking nook

Cattle everywhere.

I could have you ate at about 8 different farms

Go on…

Ask me….

See what fucking happens

96

     Bee sheep bang bang tramp sandwich

Alright I’m on this

I’ve still got that fucking bee in my bonnet

I’m feeling a bit of bee sheep bang bang tramp sandwich

I’d ready to rock it.

I ducked out to find the wayward sheep she made it to latitude

She was spray painted pink and had acquired a bad attitude.

Kept on my journey picked up baaaaaabra

Got on the tube picked up the tramp offered her back to mine

I’m a charmer.

We couldn’t of headed home any faster

After

No more than 5 seconds

Began the palava.

The tramp climbed on top of me with baaabra in her hand

The wayward sheep was bleeting

She mounted the back of the tramp

And for about 4 hours we banged and we banged

There was pink wool everywhere

I could have knitted several jackets for my nan

After that

We all collapsed on the couch

As I fell to the ground

The bee slipped out of my mouth

‘I DIDN’T NEED THAT!’ it screamed

Flew up to the window and out

Finally lost that buzzing sound.

I’d advise if you get the chance and think you can manage

Hook yourself up with a bee sheep bang bang trap sandwich

95     I’m a tramp. Why did you eat me?

I knew I shouldn’t have invited you back to mine

I just thought I’d offer

And you looked even more stunning after a shower and wash up

To be fair

I don’t see why you’re acting surprised

Judging by the sounds you were made you had a good time

And I fed you

Granted my cooking isn’t much

But tell me that chorizo and pepper pizza wasn’t hench as fuck!

Still if you're really asking why

honestly I dont know

I just got caught in the moment

I've always been told

To go with flow

94     Fell in love on the tube again. what is it about tramps?

I feel like I’m in her house

She seems to have grown comfortable with the presence of strangers

An though she must carry the weight of the world on her shoulders

Her face implies she’s happy to shrug it off

I could invite her back to mine

Maybe one day I will

But believe it or not… She looks happier than I feel I could make her

93     Go-bot rape

It was a brutal scene

Sparks everywhere

The noise of grinding metal filled the factory like never before

Loose nuts scattered across the floor

Piles of broken circuit boards in a pile near the door

They have no human emotion

So the word ‘rape’ paints an unnecessarily dark picture

But you know..

They seemed to have a great time.

Maybe robots need love to

And they'll take if it’s not given

On that note you probably should be careful

It’ll be good for you to listen

Don’t wear anything too shiney

Nothing metalic in vision

Or you might wind up a victim

92     Inflatable sheep

 

He asked me about inflatable sheep

I didn’t know what to say

He was 9 years old ‘I know you cant eat them’ he said ‘are they just for play?’

‘yes’ I replied, ‘but you have enough toys already and you may think it a strange game’

‘I don’t care’ he replied ‘ I just want one, I’ve even thought of a name’

Now you see my dilemma

Surely to buy an inflatable sheep for a 9 year old is wrong

Plus it’s out of line that he should get one when I haven’t got one

Yes I know I shouldn’t have done what I did and you’re gonna think that’s cringe

But I asked him ‘what would you call it?’

He said ‘Baaaaaaaaabra’

I couldn’t help it.

I went an got him the dam thing

91

     77 Sundays in heaven son

Yeah that’s what I asked for son

But more because I like the way it sounds.

Cant I get at least a couple bits of cheese cake?

Maybe some chocolate brownies and ice cream?

Come on now son

Sundays are heavy but 77?

That’s a lot you know.

How about 77 deserts?

Sort that out for me yeah son?

Trust god’s gonna like me.

I’ll hook you up when I’m in there